Tuesday, October 13

"The Unwillingness To Consider That Anyone Will Help Her"

I think about a friend, raised professional middle class with the solid safety net of well-off parents, and about the fear that creeps into her voice when she talks about saving for retirement - the unwillingness to consider that anyone will help her, the certainty that she is a failure if anyone does, the feeling that no matter how much money she saves from her large professional salary, it can never be enough.
Rothenberg describes her aging father, no longer able to care for himself, isolated from community but able to afford constant professional care, watched over at the end of his life by a rotating crew of nurses rather than by people who love him.
-From "Reflections, in progress." by tyrone at Enough.

It's really hard for me to take action based on tyrone's post. My mom, when I talk to her on the phone, helps keep me feeling this way--because I hear her feel that way and then I worry about my own retirement and how my saving is going, etc.

And I think, "Man, I've gotta share this stuff w/ my mom so we can move into a mindset of mutual care instead of separate saving."

Only then I get even MORE afraid of having to BE with my mom a lot.

She's hurtful enough to drive me up the f***ing wall and I don't think that will EVER change. Really. She gets more hurtful every year, despite the fact that I'm growing up and learning how to talk more politely about what she's doing.

And I WANT her to just...have money so I DON'T have to be burdened w/ being near her. I DON'T want to take care of her.

But that means writing myself out of knowing I would be cared for by her.
And I'm probably not going to nurture anyone else (like kids) younger than me, either. And with respect to my friends? I'm just...I am so not a loyal-type person. I'm not sure I'd make another bond w/ anyone as loyal as my mom is (loyal, in her own definitely-loyal-but-not-good-enough-for-me way) to me.
Keeping this way of thinking from Mom means keeping my own panic that I'll never have enough "for retirement."

So it's like...where the heck else to start besides this most loyal member of my whole family?

But who's a loyal person I don't actually WANT to engage with because her loyalty still doesn't provide me the emotional things I want?

It's very frustrating that I can't share the content of tyrone's post with my mom, and I just wanted to get that out.

1 comment:

Katie said...

P.S. My partner thinks I'll eventually get through to my mom and she'll reduce, rather than increase, the frequency with which she hurts me emotionally.

I don't...I just don't have the same faith that he does.

Maybe with his help.

But man, I wish it were already happening so I could share tyrone's post NOW, while it's a fresh struggle for me.

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