University Internationalization

So, we've been talking about internationalization of my university.  Like, do we want to make it a big part of where the university is heading, etc.

And today as some people talked about it in all the "right" words (the kind you get hired to spearhead such an initiative with), it occurred to me that those "right" words seem kind of wrong.

Like...cross-cultural interaction is supposed to aim for teaching privileged people that they're not the center of the world, but that it isn't necessarily about teaching them that it's wrong if they find themselves there.

I felt like...like it was about setting upper-middle-class white people up to be benevolent dictators in an apartheid country.  "You're going to be the minority in this country, so learn about someone different than you."  But there was no mention of anything like, "You're going to lose your power in this country, so learn how to not be in charge."  Just, "Learn about someone different than you."  Which is why I feel like we were talking about learning to be really noble, nice, friendly white South Africans or something.

The person talking today mentioned how internationalization started after WWII, when we thought having people go to each other's countries could make them such sensitive people that we wouldn't have big wars again, but that we needed to move beyond that.  But ultimately, I felt like that "next step" in "internationalization" was "making a classroom discussion out of your brown neighbors."  (See this post - found via blackamazon)

I'm torn - this kind of education is the STORY OF MY LIFE.  Satisfying curiosity about people who're different than me.  I have lived this model of learning and still live it.  I wouldn't be blogging without that part of my life.

But I feel like there has to be a better way than this to better our local society.

I remember a dinnertime argument w/ a close family member who felt that an immigrant community in my town/state, no matter how big it got, shouldn't ever get majority rule in charge of my town/state, because white people had better ideas about policy-setting than they did.  (Not that she knows anything about that immigrant community's social structure.)

This.  This is the kind of opinion that I think is so important to change.

I feel like the real work is not in putting our immigrant neighbors into an academic mental zoo, but getting privileged people open-minded to the idea of living by policies set by them.  It's not just about surveying Hmong people about their family structure and finding a common pattern and memorizing that pattern as trivia you now know about Hmong people.  It's about cultivating an attitude of being okay sending your kids to a public school district whose board's policies are shaped by Hmong ideas of what's good for children and families.  "Internationalization" of education seems to me that it should be about teaching humility - fostering attitudes that one is not the first person in history to live under a different culture's rules, like them or not.  And so on and so forth - real democratic power, not apartheid.  Something like that.

That's all I've got.

My Parents Love Me

You know, the news + people pointing out just how bad it is can really get me down and pissed. And then my dad called me about picking me up from the airport. And I remembered I have parents who love me so much they'll drive my butt all over to see me. My mood lifted.

There's no reason to simmer in worry about possible upcoming economic misfortunes. I have love to get me through anything!

University Avenue

Today I visited the farmer's market on University Avenue.

Still much the same, but 1 new big difference is a retail products stand that I'm guessing is run by Sun Foods (imported produce & treats/drinks).

I stared down the street a couple of times and thought, "This is it. This is its last summer of peace before everything I see goes away. I should come again. A lot more."

Looking the other way, I thought, "Big Daddy's Saturday Barbecue! I still haven't eaten there. And where else did I mean to go each time I said I should come & shop here before it's gone?"

On my way out of the neighborhood, I thought about how I hadn't bought any Big Daddy's because it's out of my food budget. I wondered if I would end up doing all those money-spending activities that it's my "last chance" for. I wondered if there was any point--is a 1x taste of new-to-me, good food worth breaking my budget for?

I missed Art Song's original BBQ shack, apparently--and although there's a sign that reminds me of that all the time--my life is going on despite it. Wouldn't it go on if I never tried Big Daddy's or bought any clothes at one of the tailor shops?


Then I moved on to: What did I do all that protest work for? Was I misguided? 95% of the neighborhood is things I don't & won't spend money on.

Maybe I felt like it was worth working for the 100% to save the 5% I do patronize.

Or maybe I felt like it was worth working for the 100% to save the 10-15% I'd patronize if I lived there (which I have in the past).

Besides the "because what's happening to 'them' isn't fair" part. That was there. I'm trying to reach in and find the "me" that made that particular crusade important.



Photos can't capture it, and my memory's not a steel trap. But maybe I'll meditate on the heat and the wind and the sound and the 3-D and the smell after I finish this post so I can commit it to memory better than I usually do.




Other thoughts as I arrived closer to home:
What the f*** is up with my -isms? I don't "deserve" a lawn and a garden and a lack of retail right outside my bedroom and a convenient bus line (but not right outside my bedroom) all put together any more than anyone else on this earth. But I expect it.

Ditto my job. I doubt we people like me "deserve" a cushy job that makes a neighborhood like that, and a reliable car, possible. But damned if I don't expect it and keep it off the brain most every day. I guess it'd kinda suck not to fit the mold. Maybe the way I didn't fit the mold & felt "under watch" as a corporate secretary; maybe differently. Hm. I don't know where next to go w/ the thought, but it came to me. I guess it's going, now.




Naptime. And ****load of fresh veggies to prep & cook time. Yikes.



P.S. Today is AWESOME!!!! I love heat!!!!!!!!

In Reponse To Motherhood Discussions From BFP's Blog

Damn.

This comment by Alara Rogers gave me new words to describe my fear about becoming a mother.

Alara wrote:

I saw the perception that ... if mothers aren’t completely selfless and also perfect then they will ruin their child ...

This is really tied up in with both of my parents', as well as my paternal grandparents' + aunts/uncles', frequent classist statements about childbearing. "There oughtta be a way to require a license to have kids." And the "stupid" people who wouldn't get a license are almost ALWAYS middle-or-lower in class.

Now that I'm doing more leftist readings, I'm learning that most of these behaviors my family members attributed to 100% stupidity, and yet almost always pointed out in poorer people, were more likely 80% influenced by effects of poverty.

BUT, that doesn't provide me a lifetime of positive alternative models to emulate. I just read about poorer people raising kids.

Now I'm looking at having significantly less wealth & income than the rest of my family. I can't see another way about life that I can stand the thought of.

Back to Alara's quote about "ruining" my child...there's this part of me that, thanks to my parent, is aware of the upper-middle-to-upper-class escape from being completely selfless. You pay to have other people help you raise your child "right."

But...society and my parents at large definitely gave me this message that I have to be completely selfless if I'm going to raise children without enough money, to avoid "ruining" them.

Alara also wrote:

I saw the perception that ... if mothers are completely selfless then they are doormats...

So I'm avoiding having any. Damned if I know how to be selfless. (That's the other thing I learned by observation. Not being selfless. The money ensured they didn't have to do that to "not ruin me.")

I Killed An Ant

I don't deserve to wear these flowers anymore.

I picked 2 lilies from my garden to wear in my hair. Knocked off several ants & an earwig. Thought I had them all clean.

On the drive in to work, I saw an ant running frantically around my passenger seat, near the lilies. Missed one!

I refused to use my finger to pick it up. And when the one tool I had didn't work quickly & easily to pick it up & throw it out the window with, I smashed it.

I refused to let it live in a place where it might pop out of hiding one day and bite me.

I killed an ant because it might bite me one day. As if that would be the end of the world.

For crying out loud, I probably get bitten by a single ant several times a summer in circumstances I can't control as easily.

I have so much work to do on respecting animals' lives.

I'm going to wear the flowers, but I don't deserve it.

Cheap Camembert Cheese - Priced For Cooking

Overall, I like the ingredients I have affordable access to here.

But lately, I've been missing $2 camembert cheese.
That and $5 tasty camembert cheese.

I never thought to eat $2 camembert in France--it looked a little cheap, so if I was eating camembert, I bought the $5 wheels to ensure tastiness.

But then, I got to try grilled camembert (the rind becomes a fondue bowl for dipping bread). Holy gamole, was that fun and tasty! I'll bet $2 camembert is great for that.

Now I'm back in the States, home with friends and family who grill...and camembert is $10-$25 a wheel.


(Not to mention, many of my other favorite cheeses have now increased in price range beyond "affordable" for me. Boooooo.)

"It Sounds Like You Feel That People Are, In General, Judgmental"

I realized, while trying to explain to a therapist why I feared negative consequences if I outed my mental disability at work, that:

In bad times (e.g. I'm feeling impatient or frustrated), I am not tolerant, patient, & understanding about other people's disabilities. Physical or mental.

I've Been A White Woman Playing The Role Of Expert

I realized while reading "Jezebel Circles the Wagons" by Renee over at Womanist Musings that I have been itching to do this lately:

My shoulders are tired of carrying the burden of their outright conceit. How many times has the work of WOC been stolen so that a White woman could play the role of expert?

I've been lecturing my coworker/friend a lot lately. I'm trying not to do it, but I'm really struggling with it this past 3 weeks. A lot. Like...on and on and on w/ ridiculous "expert"-ing in fun conversation at lunch. Gardening, (socioeconopolicital lefty stuff even--watch it!!!), crap I am so not an expert on--just a big collector of knowledge on.

And y'know, I tamp it down because I had enough of a little voice telling me it'd be wrong to bring up stuff I read in blogs written by women of color just because she's a woman of color...

...but now I realize it's a damned good thing I didn't, because it'd have at least 3 reasons for being the wrong thing to do to her. The "this is about you--look!" wrong thing, the "playing the role of expert" thing, and the "stealing the work of WOC" thing. Yeesh.

I plan to take this as a kick in the pants to stop "playing the role of expert" with things I stole. I think that should help me do a lot of the shutting up I've been struggling w/ these 3 weeks, anyway.

I Had 2 Coats, And Didn't Offer A Cold Neighbor 1

I failed an opportunity to behave in a Christian manner Thursday.
I'm writing it here in hopes that I'll improve.

I ran into my neighbor on the sidewalk about 2 miles from home.

She said she was freezing. I had 2 coats. One of which was around my waist.

I decided not to offer her the coat on my back in case she "messed it up." I decided not to offer the cheap coat tied around my waist because it was my partner's and in case she forgot to bring it back for, say, a month. (I think classism influenced my imagination of what state I might get the coat back in.)

What the ****? I could have easily replaced that cheap coat if she'd lost it or brought it back in bad shape. Plus, she lives next door--I could swing by for my coat that night. This was basic freaking decency. (Not to mention a chance to have the "neighbors as friends" experience I keep craving.) What the ****?

Not to mention, Jesus's teachings were to offer her the nice coat.

I'm ashamed of my behavior, but hopefully, I will stop doing stupid, selfish, mean things like this.

I Tried Not Taking Up So Much Space - Here's How It Felt

I want my behavior to reflect the lessons I think I'm learning from activist writers. Last night, I imperfectly tried behaving in such ways.

I had mixed emotions about the way I behaved.

I didn't get what I wanted, and I don't think that the result of me sharing power with others really resulted in progress towards a more just society like I hoped getting what I wanted would.

(How's that for a sentence?)

But gosh darn it, no matter what the outcome--no matter whom I shared power with (perhaps people more conservative than me)--I did it.

The quiet folks in the back didn't have to see me make a scene of two upper-middle-class healthy young white people in the front who've already talked all night going at it against each other for minutes on end (when there's a time limit to the whole meeting).

Maybe what I'm feeling right now--this dejected feeling that I could've done more if I'd just stood up for doing things my way--is one of the negative emotions BFP and others have said can accompany not taking up space. (Maybe not.)

But a fair life doesn't involve all joy, all the time anyway, right?

Maybe what I did last night is okay to repeat. And worth repeating.

Donating When I Want The Money For Myself

I just made a donation that was a huge chunk of the money it would've cost to make an improvement in our house and our lives.

It's less money than I donated around late December--far less--but it's the first time I could immediately compare it to the price of something I wanted.

I don't know how we're gonna make it when we're old and working for sustenance/pay hurts a lot. Build up family relationships & fight politically for wealth redistribution, I guess. But I feel like I still don't know how, because I still really feel those ideas of "You're on your own w/ what you can grab right now."

Feeling like we don't have the money for this improvement made me feel like we were never gonna be able to "make it" as old/hurt folks.

So it was a really different mood to make a donation in.

Anyway, that said, Chris Floyd has good articles on Haiti and two links for donations that he's recommended twice now.

Afterthought: The proposal I made to my sweetie about talking to our neighbor, asking if I can be in on the appliance-sharing, too, since it's too much work for my honey to do alone, is building up relationships to make it when you don't have enough money to buy your way out of your problems! Woah! Now I feel better about that idea. I guess some resources are already here in my life.

We Really Need To Up Our Efforts Changing Our Culture

This would be a good reason to work on KEEPING BOYS FROM THINKING THEY'RE ENTITLED TO SEXUAL RELATIONS WHENEVER THEY WANT THEM.

Because here are obviously huge-ass problems with jumping in violently, like that you might kill the boy.

THAT is why "just beat up sexual assaulters" is NOT a good default response from society to the existence of sexual assault.

IT RESULTS IN DEATH.



"Stop people from wanting to do things that are sexual assault" is a BETTER default reponse from society to the existence of sexual assault.

Here are good examples of things that're wrong right now that we could non-violently reduce sexual assault incidents by fixing:

Harriet Jacobs wrote at Figitivus:

What I mean to say is:

The way men and women interact on a daily basis is the way they interact when rape occurs. The social dynamics we see at play between men and women are the same social dynamics that cause men to feel rape is okay, and women to feel they have no right to object. And if you accept those social interactions as normal and appropriate in your day to day life, there is absolutely no reason you should be shocked that rape occurs without screaming, without fighting, without bruising, without provocation, and without prosecution. Behavior exists on a continuum. Rape doesn’t inhabit its own little corner of the world, where everything is suddenly all different now. The behavior you accept today is the behavior that becomes rape tomorrow. And you very well might accept it then, too.

Aaminah Hernandez wrote on FlipFloppingJoy comments:

consent is a good starting point, in so far as “man, did you ASK her and did she give you a clear yes” but we know there’s still lots of room in that. much better to get to the radical “man, why do you even feel compelled to get off by doing that to a woman?”. let’s address why men WANT to do certain things that are hurtful to women, regardless of whether or not women will “let” you do it. that’s not the point. the point is where does the inclination to dominate a woman come from and why is that what makes you “feel like a man”?
...
and yes, i know that opens up a can of worms on the BDSM issue and policing what people get off on, and questionning women’s right to consent to things just because we find them abhorrant. but i think that’s NOT what we are talking about here. ... i think we’re talking about a whole different matter which is men being able to be men, confident in their masculinity, sexually expressive, without it resting on degradation and pain to women (or other men for that matter).

Especially us people w/ time on our hands--let's CHANGE that "daily basis" and that "day to day life" and that basis for boy's and men's masculinity and sexual expressiveness for the boys whose lives we influence. NOW. WIDESPREAD. INTENSE.



Because this boy didn't deserve to die for what he did to the female friend he was traveling with.

"Deserve" isn't even the right word for how I would feel about one punch in response to what he was doing to his friend.

I think he DID deserve a culture / cultures that would, throughout it / them, SUPPORT non-violent lifestyles.



I'll get more active in anti-violence work.

The rest of our boys and girls who are still alive deserve it, and to make what people "deserve" happen, someone's gotta do it.
(Lots of someones. But I'll start w/ me.)

Loyalty And Tribalism

P.S. to "A Productive Conversation With Mom":

How the heck did Mom raise me w/ little to no sense of tribe loyalty?

I dunno, maybe she lost some, but not all, of hers when she strove to break out of lower-middle-class living and shot for upper-middle/upper-class living. Maybe she lost the economic part that got in the way but not the non-economic part that didn't.

But she really didn't pass that non-economic part on to me. Family, nationalism, nothin'. At the moment, I just don't really feel it as a good in the pit of my heart.

I wonder.

(Though maybe I'll get the "family" part down with work. Emotions can be instilled by repeated behavior, even as an adult.)

Temptations To Profit

Sometimes I just want to take the economic analysis I've been blessed enough to see blogging and try to use it to get a bigger piece of the pie than the median piece.

I've been telling my mom not to bother w/ stocks/mutual funds as soon as she can cash out again like she could've before the late 2008 crash.

When I've told her that I'm thinking I might not rely on them as a 50-year plan for having emergency/retirement funds, to the extent that I've felt comfortable doing so, I've even told her that I feel that way because I see signs that the "top 0.1%" aren't relying on it anymore, so it's probably not that good an idea.

I'm not comfortable sharing this all the time, because of course it leads to, "So what are the 'top 0.1%' buying to make money off over the next 50 years?"

I have suspicions about that from the reading I do. But I don't want to share it w/ her. Because I think that most of the things they're buying for that purpose are morally wrong to buy (especially for that purpose). And I don't to contribute towards one more human being doing such morally wrong things.



But sometimes I wish I could just say, "Here's what they're doing--and here's the liberal upper-middle-class greenwashed / nostalgiawashed equivalent we could pool our money on and that might keep us at our current lifelong levels of consumption / get us further ahead of the median over the next 50 years--especially if the 'top 0.1%' succeed at buying and profiting on all this."



I guess it's good that I suppress those feelings, meditate on desiring to make the Knower Of True Good proud of me rather than those who love me closest here on earth proud of me (for being the "brainiac" who helps us via the above idea), and work towards sharing my better and more godly findings w/ Mom. (And...working towards sharing includes calling her up just to see how she is and building a relationship, so I'd better wrap this up.) And learning self-discipline so I can thrive in close relationships & home relationships in a world where the "top 0.1%" succeed in buying and profiting on these oh-so-wrong things and hurting my consumption ability. (I should go finish those dishes I talked so big about.)

Over and out!

"The Unwillingness To Consider That Anyone Will Help Her"

I think about a friend, raised professional middle class with the solid safety net of well-off parents, and about the fear that creeps into her voice when she talks about saving for retirement - the unwillingness to consider that anyone will help her, the certainty that she is a failure if anyone does, the feeling that no matter how much money she saves from her large professional salary, it can never be enough.
...
Rothenberg describes her aging father, no longer able to care for himself, isolated from community but able to afford constant professional care, watched over at the end of his life by a rotating crew of nurses rather than by people who love him.

-From "Reflections, in progress." by tyrone at Enough.

It's really hard for me to take action based on tyrone's post. My mom, when I talk to her on the phone, helps keep me feeling this way--because I hear her feel that way and then I worry about my own retirement and how my saving is going, etc.

And I think, "Man, I've gotta share this stuff w/ my mom so we can move into a mindset of mutual care instead of separate saving."


Only then I get even MORE afraid of having to BE with my mom a lot.

She's hurtful enough to drive me up the f***ing wall and I don't think that will EVER change. Really. She gets more hurtful every year, despite the fact that I'm growing up and learning how to talk more politely about what she's doing.

And I WANT her to just...have money so I DON'T have to be burdened w/ being near her. I DON'T want to take care of her.


But that means writing myself out of knowing I would be cared for by her.
And I'm probably not going to nurture anyone else (like kids) younger than me, either. And with respect to my friends? I'm just...I am so not a loyal-type person. I'm not sure I'd make another bond w/ anyone as loyal as my mom is (loyal, in her own definitely-loyal-but-not-good-enough-for-me way) to me.
Keeping this way of thinking from Mom means keeping my own panic that I'll never have enough "for retirement."

So it's like...where the heck else to start besides this most loyal member of my whole family?

But who's a loyal person I don't actually WANT to engage with because her loyalty still doesn't provide me the emotional things I want?


It's very frustrating that I can't share the content of tyrone's post with my mom, and I just wanted to get that out.

Vacation - Italy vs. Not Italy

If I could get the $ together, I really wanna go to Rome again, w/ my partner.

I'd said I was going to do something else for a vacation until Italy (as a government) treated its gypsies better (also, side note: despite that article's mention of crime, their violent crime rate is actually the exact same as their population proportion), and that I'd tell their ministry of tourism (or whatever they have) so...

...but I thought about that idea well over a year ago and I still haven't gotten around to sending that letter to their ministry of tourism, so I haven't done one lick of good...

...and the "I wanna see Rome again" bug is really hitting me hard as my vacation time draws near.


And if I could get the $ together, I mean, how kick-ass would the following trip be:
- Hiking at sunrise in the Lake District of England on the same hill my stupid roommates didn't wake me up to hike w/ the rest of the group at sunrise
- Visit my many friends / his 2 friends in France
- Get my partner a few artistic master classes w/ his idol in France if said idol is open to teaching him
- RomeRomeRomeRomeRomeRomeAwesomeRome fuck yes gelato cheap olive oil a-whole-lox&caviar-pizza-for-$10 holy crap cool buildings and stuff everywhere even if a dictator did destroy lots of other cool buildings to unearth them rabbit-ragout-at-this-one-cool-restaurant GELAFUCKINGTO
- The one limoncello I actually liked (house version at a hotel outside Naples)
- Greece - whatever my partner's favorite parts were
(Though I guess that "Lake District" part and the "Rome" part don't exactly go together, since in my dreams, I'd totally be hiking in the summer and visiting Rome in the winter. Hmmmmm.)


Oh yeah. After looking up this link, I saw a photo that reminded me that France is kind of on my shit list, too. Though at least I have friends there--it's not quite straight-up tourism the way a trip to Italy would be. Not that the United States doesn't do the same things--but I can't exactly tell an American tourism bureau that I'm not coming. I already live here.

I Weighed Today's Food Purchase

I was so overwhelmed by what I bought, I weighed it. (Geek.)

Item	By Weight	By Quantity	Total Price
Cucumbers	2 lbs. 6 oz.	4	$1.67
Tomatoes	4 lbs. 4 oz.	9	$1.67
Onions (red, large)	1 lb. 8.2 oz.	2	$1
Potatoes (white, large)	6 lbs. 5 oz.	13	$3.33
Carrots	2 lbs. 10 oz.	17	$1.67
Beets (red, roots only)	5 lbs. 14 oz.	10	$1.67
Squash (winter; type=mystery)	? (>5 lbs.)	1	$1
Shallots (bunching)	12.8 oz.		$1
Parsley (flat)	9.3 oz.		$1
Sage	6.9 oz.		$1
Methi	7.9 oz.		$1
Rice (basmati)	4 lbs.		$6
Oil (sesame)	5.5 oz.		$3

Food Purchase Thoughts

Two thoughts:

1. Oh ****.
   
   (I brought home a lot of high-processing-needs vegetables. And the kitchen and hosue aren't even clean. And I want to have brownies and soup done by what time??!!)


2. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the farmers who were still at the marketplace at 3 in the afternoon. I can't believe how much I bought. (And bonus, thanks for helping me shop by figuring out what I was trying to make and offering me things you'd already loaded into the truck that would help.) I mean, wow. I'm sorry I've forgotten your names to thank you by name, but thank you all the same. I can't believe I did this at 3PM. And I couldn't have done it without you.

Off The Deep End (On Food)

I have gone off the deep end with respect to food.

I just bought fresh grape leaves, that I talked the provider into bringing this week, even though ready-to-roll prepackaged ones are available w/o any inconvenience.

And then I took out a pocket knife and stole the tops of some amaranth from a street-landscaping garden. I'm thinking I'll throw it in a bag, take it w/ me to the thing I have to go to for work today, and separate seeds from chaff while I sit around on standby the way some people knit.



*sigh* It's not exactly like people on the provision side of the food world haven't noticed that I'm freaking weird! Perhaps this guy was prescient?

:-)

-Katie


P.S. Glad I found this while looking for pictures. Maybe, if I want to do it efficiently, amaranth seeding will have to wait till I get back home.

Jenny wrote:
Chaff flew everywhere and I realized that (a) people had been getting grains out of dead plant since the dawn of agriculture and (b) I really ought to be outside.

More Cookies

Then again, hey, at least I'm not crazy--I really am working from a background of indecent behavior towards a future of decent behavior.

I'll still try to stop wanting that "cookie" for common decency, but...yeah.